scs Fairy Tales

By Authors Unknown

The Baby's Bottle

The preparations for Hogmany were all complete, baskets filled with oatcakes, bannocks piled in serrried ranks, each with a sprinkle of raisons buried within the dough; glasses polished for the guests; the fireplace emptied and filled with kindling to start the New Year, the floor scrubbed until it gleamed and the windows shining clean. Màiri took one last look around and decided she could sit down for a minute or two and catch her breath. The men were late in coming, but Torquil had promised that he would be there with "a surprise" in time to see the New Year in. She decided to feed the baby and when he had finished, she placed him in the cradle that her mother had once used for herself when she was a bairn.

Suddenly there was a banging at the back door and and Torquil strode in, carrying a "buideil" - a small barrel - followed by Angus, who as always was grinning like a loon. 'Ann an ainm Dhè, de tha sin, (in the name of God, what's this) ?' she asked as Torquil, grinning, deposited the barrel on the floor. Angus couldn't contain himself any more and said, 'Whisky, all the way from Ardnamurchan !' We gave the man a half cran of herring for it !' 'You were all the way to Ardnamurchan ?', asked Màiri, unbelievingly. 'Are the pair of you daft or what ?' 'Not at all', said Torquil, 'we even had an excise boat on our tail, but we gave him the slip and left him heading for Tobermoray.' 'And suppose you had been caught ?', asked Màiri. 'I could have been here all night thinking you were drowned!' A tear welled in her eye at the thought. 'Och, no chance !', said Torquil, pausing suddenly as some one began hammering at the back door. 'Who is it ?' he called. 'Her Majesties Customs and Excise !', came the reply. 'Open up !' 'Just a minute till I put on my boots', cried Torquil.

'Quick', said Màiri to Angus. 'Put the barrel in the babies crib !' No sooner was that done than she placed the baby on top of the crib and wrapped him with blankets. Torquil opened the door and two uniformed excise officers came in, looking suspiciously around them. 'Well, Gentlemen, what can I do for you ?', asked Torquil. 'I'd offer you a dram, but we have just enough for the guests who will be here any minute'... 'Aye, aye', said the older man, 'but as we've followed you all the way from Ardnamuchan, I was expecting to find more than a dram waiting here.' 'Well, you're welcome to look around', said Màiri, smiling and placing herself between Torquil and the officer. 'And if you've come all the way from Ardnamurchan, I'll be happy to give you a couple of bannocks for you must be hungry.'

'No, we'll just take a look round if that's agreeable', said the older man and he walked swiftly through the room, his eyes missing nothing. As he paused beside the crib, Màiri interposed herself between it and herself and said softly, 'Please don't waken the baby, I only got him off to sleep just a few minutes ago.' The Exciseman tiptoed away, saying quietly, 'Don't worry, mam, I've brought up bairns of my own.' He paced back to the door and then asked Torquil, 'What were you doing in Ardnamurchan ?' 'Och there was a man there that was wanting a half cran of herring and I took them to him and got paid'. 'And do you have the money still ?', asked the officer.

'I do indeed', said Torquil, flourishing a sheaf of banknotes before putting them back in his pocket. 'It was a fair trade, all legal'. 'Aye well', said the exciseman, 'it may be that we were after the wrong boat. We had a tip that there was a boat coming across from the Long Island to buy whisky, but I think we were misinformed. Any way, we won't trouble you any more and I'm sorry we had to disturb you on Hogmanay'. And so saying, he and his companion left. Màiri was at Torquil''s side right away. 'Where did all that money come from ?

'Ach', he said, 'it was just from that Monopoly game that we were playing two nights ago. I picked the notes off the table so he wouldn't knock them all over the floor.'