The Three Bears - Glasgow Version

By The Nit Nurse

Wance upon a time, there wiz three bears, Maw, Paw an' the wean.

Wan mornin', Maw made some purridj but it wiz bilin' so they went fur a donner in the wids.

Goldilocks stoatit' in tae the hoose fur a dekko an' saw the purridj.

'That's the geme', she sade, 'Ah'll huv some o' that'

But the furst wan wiz too salty an' the second wan wiz too sugary but the thurd wan wiz jist so, so she hud the sugary wan, efter a' she's fae Glesga, an wi've goat the wurst diet in the wurld.

Efter that, she saw sum chairs. 'Crackin', she sade, 'Ah need tae rest mah bunions'

But the furst wan wiz too hard an' the second wiz too saft but the thurd wan wiz jist so, so she sat oan the second wan, efter a' she's fae Glesga' an' wi've goat the wurst exercise an' postchir record in the wurld.

Then she went upstairs an' saw sum beds.

'Ah'm knackered', she sade. 'Ah think ah'll huv a kip'

But the furst wan wiz too hard an' the second wiz too saft but the thurd wan wiz jist so, so she switched oan the telly, lay doon oan the second wan, lit a fag an' burnt the hooss tae the grun, efter a', she's fae Glesga an' wu'r the wurlds wurst fur smokin' (in the pit tae!).

A wee while later, the bears came back.

'Goad !', sade the faither. 'Sum bugger's gawn an burnt wur hoos doon'.

So they a' ran intae whit wiz left o' the hooss an' ran upstairs. They fun Goldilocks lyin' oan the bed burnt as black a toast.

'Ya stupit wee besom !', sade Maw. 'Ye come here every week knickin' wur purridj an' brekin' wur chairs. But no' happy we that, this time ye knick ma fags an' burn the hooss tae the grun. Get tae buggery oot o' here before ah skelp yer erse !'

So Goldilocks jumped oot o' the bed an ran away as fast as hur burnt legs wid go.

She goat better later oan, gave up fags, went oan a diet, (wan o' they F-plan things), grew her hair dead long an' startit singing songs aboot some punter called Rumplestiltskin.

The bears built thir hooss agane but this time they yazed brick an' invitit three pigs tae stai wae them tae. But they always wir a bit doolally them bears.

Ah mean, who ever heard o' bears livin' in a hooss an eatin' purridj eh ?