Helpful Information for non-Scots in Scotland

Compiled by Josiah Jenkins

Some Don'ts

Don't ever say, 'When I was down at Oxford / Cambridge'

Don't put cartwheels or gnomes in the front garden of your house

Don't paint your house - Pink / Bright Green / Light Blue

Don't EVER say, 'I voted Tory", even if you did'

Don't ever take yourself seriously

How to Start a Fight with a Scot

In Glasgow : Say, 'Wow, this city's a right dump, isn't it ?'

In Dundee : Walk down Reform Street after dark.

In Edinburgh : Say to two blokes, 'Are you poofs ?'

In Aberdeen : Ask, 'Is that your wife or one of your sheep ?'
[This only works if there is also a sheep in the car]

In St Andrews : Pull his bow-tie and then jump up-and-down on his London Times

Alternative Place names in Scotland

Drumchapel ~ Bearsden

Castlemilk ~ King's Park

Easterhouse ~ Baillieston

Dundee ~ Perth (1st alternative)

Dundee ~ Broughty Ferry (2nd alternative)

Livingston ~ Edinburgh

Cumbernauld ~ Central Scotland

Uddingston ~ Bothwell

Airdrie / Coatbridge ~ Near Lenzie

Paisley ~ Near Ayr

Holding a conversation with a Scot

Possible affirmative answers to a question :-

Aye

Aye, that's right

Aye, ah ken

Aye, ah ken fine

Possible negative answers to a question :-

Naw

Nae chance

Awa ya numptie

Away an' bile yir heid

Away an' raffle yer donut

Piss off

Bollocks

Possible indefinite answers to a question :-

Whit ?

WHIT ?

Mibbe !

You takin' the piss ?