Helpful Information for non-Scots in Scotland

Compiled by Josiah Jenkins

How to Pretend to be Scottish

Never smile.

Burp loudly (males only).

Hate Billy Connolly.

Buy a Scottish newspaper and pretend that it's good reading.

Use the phrase 'Bloody Tories' two to three times a minute in conversation.

Buy Runrig albums and say 'Wow, great lyrics !'

Wear very thin clothing, especially when it is freezing.

Eat lots of Italian and / or Chinese food.

Ensure that you have never read - Burns, Scott, Duns Scotus, Adam Smith.

Talk sympathetically about Partick Thistle football team.

Eat total crap - eg chocolates, sweeties, crisps, chips, deep-fried pizza.

Vote Labour but haven't a clue as to who your MP / MSP or Councillor is.

Pretend you understand and enjoy late night TV, Sumo Wrestling and American Football.

If you live within 100 miles of Glasgow and don't want a Labour MP or Councillor, don't even bother voting.

Go to Church :-
1. Catholic : if your surname begins with 'O' or 'Z'
2. Church of Scotland : if you live in a nice area and are at a loose end on Sunday mornings
3. Permutate from any of the 100+ other options

When conversation ends, say 'I used to live in Cumbernauld'
(statistically, 50% of the population used to live there, so that should get them talking again).

Claim, 'of course, we invented everything in Scotland' and follow this up with anything that comes into your mind.
People will often agree with - space rockets, the ring pull on cans, compact disks, speech, Australia, haircutting scissors, ESP, the toothbrush, paper handkerchiefs, pencils, the alphabet.

Before voting, find out who has the best chance of beating the Tory and vote for them, regardless.
This works if the other candidate is - Labour, SNP, Lib/Dem, Communist, Monster Raving Loony Party, French National Front, Peoples Democratic Front for the Liberation of Judea, Kurdic People's Islamic Jihad, Tommy Burns for Pope, and many others.

How to look stupid in Scotland.

Wear a kilt (except at weddings).

Go into a Scottish Tourist Office.

Take a short-cut through Cumbernauld without a Sat-Nav system.

Try to pay the toll on the Skye Bridge.

Try to pay the toll on the Tay Bridge.

Try to take a short-cut through Dundee or Perth.

Enter a bus in any city without the correct change.

Be photographed beside a bagpiper in Edinburgh.

Take a car within 100 miles of Edinburgh.

Forget to buy Anti-midge Cream in August.

Die of exposure on a mountain.

Pay the landlord of DunKillin $2,000 a day for fishing rights.

Send someone a picture postcard of Dundee.

Arrive in St Andrews without a wooly hat, scarf and mittens and fur jacket.

Believe that the lump of rock in Edinburgh Castle really is the Stone of Destiny.

Try to hold a conversation with somebody in Glasgow, Aberdeen or Dundee.

Call a game of football, 'a soccer match'.

Start a conversation about whether Rangers or Celtic will win the League
(also good for starting a fight).