Helpful Information for non-Scots in Scotland

Compiled by Josiah Jenkins

Scotland's own X-Files

How come, Scottish footballers can play for the best teams in the world and yet, the moment that they pull on a Blue jersey they then become totally incapable of beating a Sri Lanka 2nd eleven ?

Where, in Eastern Europe, are the pies served at football matches made ?

Why do Hibs always get beaten 35 - 0 but never go down a division ?

Why is Alexandria in Dumbartonshire ?

Why is Eastwood not in Glasgow ?

Why do UFOs never buzz Dundee ?

Why are California and Moscow in Ayrshire ?

Why do Dundonians like Dundee ?

Why do Glaswegians like Glasgow ?

Why do Edinburghers not like Edinburgh ?

Where is Stirling Albion ?

Who built Cumbernauld, and why ?

Why do people buy houses in Cumbernauld ?

How come, the Daily Record is different every day but it's just the same ?

Why is the Scotsman newspaper so incredibly boring ?

Why is there never any news at all in the Press and Journal ?

Why does the P & J masthead look as if it was printed in Bavaria ?

Where do Grampian TV and Borders TV get studio audiences from ?

Why do people in Fife watch news about sea-fishing in Stornoway, in Gaelic ?

Why, if something like a nuclear explosion happens in Edinburgh, does Reporting Scotland give you a lead story about there being a loose drain cover in a Glasgow street ?

Why does everyone think that Tony Blair is Scottish ?

How come, nobody ever voted Tory but they still get 15% in the polls ?

Why does porridge taste disgusting ?

What are the actual ingredients of Haggis ?

Why do kilts cost just over One Million Pounds ?

If trains and buses are so ecologically friendly, why are they so dirty and smelly ?

Why is there conversational silence in a pub when nobody can think of anything English to criticise ?

Scottish Names and Hometowns

Ethyl fae Methyl

Becky fae Inversnecky

Bry fae Skye

Cath fae Carnwath

Cory fae Kilmory

Craig fae Mallaig

Elaine fae Dunblane

Emmett fae Polkemmit

Harry fae Achnacarry

Irvine fae Girvan

Jane fae Tain

Jill fae Budhill

Julie fae Beauly

June fae Dunoon

June fae Scone

Keith fae Roseneath

Kenny fae Denny

Lachie fae Polknackie

Marie fae Dundee

Maurice fae Forres

Pete fae Sleat

Rayne fae Stein

Rick fae Wick

Senga Mae fae Mingulay

Dick fae Wick

Gary fae Barnacarry

Gerry fae Otter Ferry

Hank fae Sandbank

Harry fae Invergarry

Hugh fae Kinlochewe

Jos fae Portencross

Karen fae Arran

Kate fae Ardenslate

Kay fae Steòrnabhagh

Louis fae Lochbuie

Mary fae Inveraray

Meg fae Ardbeg

Stephen fae Kinlochleven

Winnie fae Dalwhinnie