Jasmine Jemima Jenkins

By Dr Josiah J Jenkins

A private e-mail to Perfesser Lesley Robertson

Ah, the eminent genealogist has uncovered one of our family's darkest secrets, Jeremiah McRobert Jenkins, who is normally referred to within the Jenkins family, in the vein of, 'he, whose name shall never be spoken', as 'that little sh-one-t Jerry'.

If you really insist, I will relate the sad tale.............

Many years ago, whilst I was employing my skills as a medical practitioner in that far out (oops, far away) land whose people are known collectively as US citizens or variously as Yanks, Rednecks, Murkins etc, my dear sister decided to come over from Scotland and spend some time visiting.

She had just come into rather a large sum of money by way of an inheritance from an elderly uncle, Justin Case Jenkins, who had made a fortune in royalty fees from a short poem which he wrote. Albeit never published in book form, these epic lines have since been inscribed in public places all over the world,

"Here I sit, broken hearted.
Spent my penny, only f*rted!"

But I digress,

Jasmine Jemima, for that was her given name was a kind, gifted and talented child (as, indeed, are most of the Jenkins clan) * This may be an opportune moment to point out that almost anyone is eligible to join the Jenkins Clan Association Inc. All that is required is that you possess a Surname which you are prepared to divulge and $50, or equivalent in local currency, which you are prepared to contribute to the scam (oops scheme). Actually, the Surname is preferable but not necessary !!

But again I digress,

Jasmine Jemima, known in the family as Jessica to avoid confusion with our Mother, after whom she was named, had a phobia of flying. This only materialised after her studies in Occidental Meditation and she explained her reasoning as follows; I (Josiah) had been born in an aircraft whilst it was flying over Scotland and although this was a rather unusual occurrence, her belief was that Ying and Yang balance dictated that there was a distinct possibility that a Jenkins would therefore 'transcend' whilst in the same mode of transport. She pointed out that many people were born in hospitals and many other people transcended from hospitals, QED.
(Jessica rarely used the words, died or deceased, and she considered a certain Monty Python sketch, involving a Norwegian Blue parrot, as the height of vulgarity and bad taste)

Anyway, Jasmine Jemima, aka Jessica, booked passage on a ship bound for America. Her striking appearance and financial situation, caused one of the ship's crew to become infatuated with her and, despite her constant rejections, he spent most of the voyage asking whether she could cook, type and clean house . . . . . AFAIR, he was called D@ve !!

She eventually reached the shores of America and quickly recovered from the bout of 'Mal de Mer' which, along with the unwanted attentions of D@ve had made her voyage so miserable.

You may recall that, at this time, I was in the employ of a rich but eccentric Southern gentleman in the post of Personal Physician. I was therefore resident in the beautiful area of Pigs Wallow, Jawja, just a few miles away from the hamlet of Dumpsterville. Jessica, having landed in beautiful Aberdeen on the Chesapeake Bay, set off from there to meet up with me in Jawja. Perhaps, some other time, I will tell you of the events of that journey, the wonderous sights she saw and the people she met in her travels, suffice to say that it took her almost seven years to complete the trip from the East Coast.

By this time, my employer, MacRobert of MacRobert, had passed on (I assure you this in no way reflected on my abilities as a physician, the man was, after all, several years older than Conway Caine).

In view of the fact that he had spent most of his middle years living on Gruinard Island, I put the cause of death as Anthrax. I must admit that this did cause a slight upset in the area for a time but the quarantine restrictions put in place by the State Governor and enforced by the National Guard were called off after a period of two years.

The chieftanship of Clan MacRobert was then disputed within the family. The apparent heir, Sir Archibald, a quiet, refined and studious man who loved nothing more than to sit quietly on the porch studying the latest copy of Hustler meant that the children were often heard to be told, 'Don't bother Sir Erchie !', went off on a snipe hunt on morning and never returned.

Stories of his fate abounded but as only one man, out of a party of fifteen, returned, his explanation had to be accepted. The survivor, a family retainer who styled himself as MacLeo of Portpatrick, whilst being questioned at the inquest which was held to investigate the fate of the fourteen missing MacRoberts stated, 'they all falled into a big pot what somebody had left lying around and I never really heerd them 'cos their screams was all muffled up by the boiling water'.

The Chieftanship fell to a MacRobert of 'indirect' line (if you catch my drift), a man who claimed to be at home on 'either side of the Maisie and Doxie line' (sic) and earned his living (if that is the correct expression) in various nefarious dealings such as hi-jacking truckloads of T*l*sk*r from Backhaulnet, assisting old ladies by offering to carry their handbags and 'taking charge' of tourist's luggage.

Unfortunately, due to my outstanding contractual obligations to the MacRobert Clan, I was obliged to continue in the service of the new Chief, this is he who still holds the title. For me, life changed ! Instead of the gracious lifestyle of MacRobert Mansion in Pigs Wallow, which had been rented from Bluewhale Property Speculation Inc (Jawja Division), I found myself moving to the current residence of the new MacRobert, which, at that time, was Dumpster #19, Tip View Road, Redneck, Jawja.

Needless to say, at the request of creditors, we were quickly obliged to move to Dumpster #09, The Refuse Tip, Redneck. Life became a series of short-stay accomodation, next was the 'Trash Receptacle behind the Einstein Bagel Shop in Redneck' then finally, the 'Trash Receptacle behind "Suzy Q's Donut Shop' in Downtown Bugtussle, Georgia.

You may think that these circumstances, for a man of my breeding and education, was the cruelest twist of fate but there was worse. When I moved to take up post in Redneck, who should I meet in this company of vagabonds and no-goods but my dear sister, Jasmine Jemima, aka Jessica.

She had wandered innocently into Suzy Q's Donut Shop of an evening, intending to purchase some Krullers and unaware that these premises were used as an illegal drinking den and mainly inhabited by the MacRoberts. She was seduced (in more ways than one), firstly by tales of the T*l*sk*r Lake, Wee Donald Stewart's exploits in Bolivia and Haggis Barbeques held on Californian beaches.

She was enthralled by these tales and unaware that what she was drinking, which she believed to be Mountain Dew, was, in fact, refined gasoline, the product of a MacRobert still, obviously illegal and located somewhere in North Carolina. Events, naturally enough considering the company, took their course and, for the second time that evening, she was seduced. This time in the more accepted sense of the word.

The outcome of this liason was a son and Jessica, a deeply religious girl prior to her downfall was no doubt thinking of The Old Testament and the words contained in the Book of the Prophet Jeremiah VII, Verses 9 & 15.

'Will you steal and murder, commit adultery, swear falsely and burn incense to Baal and then come and say, We are safe, safe to do all these detestable things ? Has this house become a den of robbers to you ? I will thrust you from my presence, I will cast you out of my sight, as I have cast out all your brethren' . . .

. . . when she named him Jeremiah.

So you see, it was not only I who disowned this youth, his own mother rejected him and disappeared when he was but two months old. It is said that, having misheard the original quotation of, 'Go now to the place in Shiloh', she fled to the wilds of Nebraska and is still living in a disused missile silo somewhere in that State.

Shortly thereafter, my legal training gave me the opportunity to break my employment contract with the MacRoberts. I spotted, in the small print at the foot of page #157 the words 'add infinnitytumm' (sic) with regard to my services. Eventually the Supreme Court upheld my case that the addition of this totally unreasonable clause made the contract unlawful and of no legal consequence. I packed what few belongings I had hidden from the MacRoberts that night and headed back to Europe, where I now reside.

So you see, that little sh-one-t Jerry posseses none of the good qualities of his dear mother, being 50% McRobert and having been raised by them. A culmination of events has conspired to link our noble and honourable family to that of the McRoberts. The very same MacRoberts who 'ett' the nephew of my dear friend, the Despicable Stewart.

Our darkest secret now sees the light of day but I am sure that we can depend on your keeping this information to yourself, hence the reason I am replying by e-mail and not posting in the newsgroup. Can you imagine the damage to the Jenkins family reputation were it generally known that somewhere in this world, there is a Jenkins who is a half-brother to Melinda MacRobert ???

With Kindest Regards,
Dr Josiah J Jenkins