Lolita Starts a Flame War - A Poem

By James Hogg

It may appear to be just another 'wee ditty' but it indicates who's who and who's new.

Anyone who's been around Usenet for any length of time is almost certain to have crossed paths, or even swords, with David S Hines, mainly due to his habit of initiating cross-posts to five or six newsgroups. He is possibly the most notorious crossposter in Usenet, normally on topics which have neither relevence nor interest to the individual groups concerned. It's generally assumed he does so purely to cause dissent between groups who suddenly find themselves overwhelmed by cross-posts. Unfortunately, it often works and matters can quickly escalate into an inter-group 'flame war'.

Following one of these rather nasty little contretempts at the start of 2008, an scs poster, James Hogg, penned the following . . .

When Woolies launched a girlie's bed and christened it Lolita,
They little knew that nymphet's name would fan so much excreta.

'Twas Hines that brought the news to us, who knows his motivation ?
Perhaps he thought we'd like to share off-topic titillation.

It fairly pissed off Nebulous, that SCS defender.
He cried, 'Unleash McGonagall, make Spencer Hines surrender.'

The flame war that did then ensue made Vietnam look placid,
As Tiglath boldly made a stand until he grew quite flaccid.

Then Renia returned Greek fire till Pole-axed by a slaggin'
From Sholto with her shotgun butt. Then more jumped on the wagon.

One lad embraced the Scottish cause, a sturdy Highland he-male.
But some were puzzled why it was Nilita got that e-mail.

Quoth Paterson, 'I'm innocent !' Nilita says, 'You're lying.'
Meanwhile, away in SMN, the Peffers spray was flying.

A call for peace amidst the brawl was issued by some Bimbo.
The call was spurned by Fred McCall. The peace talks were in limbo.

And in did come Jack Linthicum but blanks were all he fired.
Alt.idiots was the group to which he finally retired.

To those who wonder : 'What's the score ?' The death toll there's no knowing.
It beat the War of Jenkins' Ear, with killfiles overflowing.

And licking wounds when all was o'er were cowards, heroes, boasters.
Limp dicks like those at Killiemuir and damnably cross posters.

Some rightly claim 'twas Hines's fault: 'We ought to knock his block off.'
But don't forget that this affair all started with Nabokov.

Vladimir knew how men can lust for someone like Lolita.
The story now repeats itself but this time it's Nilita.

Cross-posting can cross-fertilise and lead to knowledge swelling,
But don't attempt to dump manure in someone else's dwelling.

If you've got news you'd like to spread without unleashing hell,
Here's good advice from one who knows, this tiny URL :

http://tinyurl.com/2o4yra