The MacRobert Clan History

By Josiah Jenkins

Many people have heard of this infamous clan but very few people have ever actually seen one of them, this being mainly due to the secretive and almost nocturnal lifestyle in which they exist.

Most of those who were unfortunate enough to cross paths with them have not survived to relate the tale of their terrifying encounter. Of those few who have escaped their clutches, almost none have retained their sanity and are now confined to institutions, constantly visited by horrors in the night as their tortured minds re-visit their hours, days and months when they were held captive by 'The MacRoberts of Gruinard'.

History records that one clan did eventually escape, moved to the East coast of Scotland and adopted the name of Smellie. These had been MacRobert's nearest neighbours, the clan MacStinkt who are, of course, today only remembered in the anglified version of their name ~ Extinct. The Smellie / MacStinkts were preyed upon and their numbers diminished by the MacRoberts and although it cannot be proven that they ever actually ate any of them, there was, at one time, a chain of fast food shops operated by the MacRobert clan trading under the name of

~ MacStinkt Burgers ~

What is beyond any doubt is that, whilst still in Scotland, the MacRoberts 'ett' at least one child of the Stewart clan, a small plump boy called Donald. Many years later, in an effort to create an aura of respectability for themselves, they attempted to deny that this shameful act had taken place.

Forged newsgroup messages, with falsified headers, were posted on scs in an attempt to make it appear that Donald was alive and had sent these from Bolivia. The MacRoberts were caught out in their deception by Professor Beth Sornsin A.S.T.S.C. (scs) who, after extensive research, deduced that the messages had really been posted, using a freeserve account, from Pig's Wallow, Jawja, another well known hang-out of the MacRoberts.

As far as we can ascertain, there are five members of the family currently active. MacRobert himself (self-styled clan head), Malcolm, Jimmie, Angus and Dougal. It is know that MacRobert and Malcolm are brothers but the relationship between them and the other three is open to speculation.

Indeed, the relationship between Jimmie, Angus and Dougal is also somewhat uncertain and, in no case, can ages be established due to the destruction, by the Authorities, of all written records relating to the MacRoberts around the time that they were shipped out of Scotland.

Extracted from :
Who Ett the Wean ?
A History of the Scottish MacRoberts

Author - Dr Josiah J Jenkins
To be published in Autumn 2011 by
The Perfidious Alban Publishing Co.

To hear a young MacRobert asking his father about the feeding habits of the family,
click the BLUE button. Note : Please do NOT click the RED button.

As a result of eighteen months work by our ace under-cover photographer, we can now present a World Exclusive photograph of 'The MacRobert'. Here, McRobert of McRobert of that Ilk, resplendent in kilt, stand posing in front of the notorious 'McRobertz Pre-owned Sooveneer Emporium' which is situated in downtown Buggtussle. He stands waiting to 'greet' any unsuspecting tourists who may arrive with the intention of selling them tacky souveniers and convincing them to 'Visit at McRoberts Steakhouse'. This invitation is, of course, only extended in the hope that they might own 'stuff' suitable for adding to his inventory of pre-owned goods at the Emporium.

Jimmie (left) and Dougal (right) MacRobert examining a finger from one of their victims in an attempt to determine who had originally been attached to the now disconnected digit.

Apparently they have a collection of these stored in old 'Sair Kelt' bottles, a practice reputedly inspired by the Tequila worm.

During the course of our investigations into the MacRobert clan, we have unearthed what is believed to be the last photograph taken of the MacRobert children before they left Scotland. Taken on the steps of their ancestral home, Castle Dumpster on Gruinard Island, the circled figure is reputed to be the notorious 'Malcolm', whom we now know to be the younger brother of the MacRobert.

The small, plump boy (3rd from left in the front row) has been identified as a visitor, wee Donald Stewart, who was never seen again and has been reported as being 'etten' by the MacRoberts shortly after this picture was taken.

The clan were forcibly moved from this island, which had been used as a test area for anthrax, following extensive research which showed that the spores had no effect whatsoever on them. Whether this is due to a gene mutation which has been maintained within their blood line due to their habit of inter-breeding or connected in some way to their close relationship with the local sheep has never been established.

It is believed that they then moved to the United States and joined up with others of the MacRobert clan, settling in that area which lies between the townships of Dumpsterville, Bugtussle and Pig's Wallow, Jawja.