The Ballad of Sir Patrick Spence's Idiot Son

By James Hogg

The king sat in the royal box,
The Tennants chilled his teeth,
As he cheered on Dunfermline Town
At hame tae Cowdenbeath.

While pishin in the hauf-time break
The king turned tae his men:
'I need a skipper for a trip.
Is there anyone ye ken ?'

'To sail tae Norway owre the sea
And brave the stormy tide,
To bring me hame a fair princess
That's trysted as my bride.'

The lairds saw here a perfect chance
To get shut o' a pest.
'The man ye want's Sir David Spence,
Nae dout but he's the best.'

They couldna thole Sir David Spence,
The worst o' Philistines,
A pauchtie cowt sae scunnersome,
That laithsome Laird o' Hines

The king has written in braid Scots
Athout a spelling check.
The letter came tae David Spence,
He opened it direct.

'My Dear Commander, they ca' you
The nautical bee's knees.
And therefore I'm commanding you
To sail across the seas.'

'Tae Noroway tae fetch my bride,
A bonny blonde nymphet.
And don't forget the tocher tae,
That's mair important yet.'

The first line that Sir David read,
'Hilarious,' thocht he.
The next line that Sir David read,
A tear came tae his ee.

'O wha is this has done this deed,
And grassed untae His Nibs ?
For I am but a housing laird
That can't tell sprits frae jibs.'

Sir David kent he was obleeged
The king's command to heed,
To busk the guid ship Avalon
Or else to loss his heid.

'Mak haste, mak haste, ye scurvy pogues,
Our ship sails in the morn.'
'Aw, gie's a break,' the men did plea,
'We fear a deadly storm.'

'Late, late yestreen we saw you moon,
Ye showed us a' yer bum,
And we do fear this omen sair,
Tae hairm we're doomed to come.'

'Come wind,'" says Spence, 'Come hail, come sleet,
Our ship must sail the faim;
The fair princess o' Noroway,
Plus dowry, to bring hame.'

T

hey mounted sail on Monday morn,
Wi a' the haste they may,
Expecting that they would arrive,
Upon the Wednesday.

A month it passed, then twa, then three,
Still nae land did they sight.
The crew tae the commander said,
'Yon GPS is shite.'

Another month, then five, then six,
And Spence then asked a hand
To gae up tae the tap-mast high,
To see gif he saw land.

The skipper's bunkmate sclimmed alaft,
That pretty, sair-ersed boy,
And tae the captain's great relief
He shouted, 'Land ahoy !'

They soon approached this foreign land
And when they had cast anchor,
A sailor cried, 'This is Japan.
Ye stupid frigging wanker.'

And far awa, in Misawa,
They rowed ashore in boats,
But couldna buy nor beer nor hures:
'They won't tak Scottish notes!'

Sir David Spence socht out the laird
O' this important base.
He says, 'My king requires a bride.
I like this lassie's face.'

'My daughter's comery,' says the Jap,
'You cannot faurt her rooks.
Imagine her the Queen of Scots -
A turn-up for the books !

Sir David was in Misawa
Twa days and barely three,
But tae his oriental hosts
It was eternity.

They put the girl aboard the ship,
Wi Spence and a' his men.
They said, 'Sail home to Scotland now,
Don't hurry back again.'

They hadna sailed upon the sea
A month but barely ane,
Till cauld and wintry grew the wind,
And stormy grew the main.

They hadna sailed upon the sea
A month and then a week,
Till gale-force winds began to blaw.
The ship did spring a leak.

'Let doun the boat,' Sir David cried,
'I fear we all are cursed.
But don't forget the gowden rule :
Women and captains first.'

He took the woman in the boat.
And rowed away in haste.
The ither men aboard the ship
Had water tae the waist.

Sir David rowed with a' his maucht
Awa frae the shipwreck.
The ither men aboard the ship
Had water tae the neck.

Sir David rowed tae Oahu
He landed safe and sound.
He didna gie a tupp'ny toss
That a' his men had drouned.

And lang, lang may their mithers wait
To see their sons at last.
And lang, lang may their faithers wear
Their trousers at hauf-mast.

The king gave up his maister plan
To marry a Norwegian.
He found a lassie tae his taste,
Tae bad she was Glaswegian.

Meanwhile, hauf-way across the world
On far Hawaii's shore,
The Laird o' Hines is just the same,
A pompous, crashing bore.

Sir David Spence is living still
Sauf wi his Nippon girl,
A thousand leagues frae Aberdeen,
Just doun the road frae Pearl.