scs Informer Pages - The scs Fighting Force (1)

BASIC TRAINING

SCS basic training begins with a rigorous examination process lasting for several weeks. The first course consists of instruction on finding your way around the newsgroup. Don't be frightened by some of the things you may read, as the training is based on real-life SCS operations which are constantly in progress.

Lines like: "I'll rip your f*cking b*lls off and feed 'em to the sharks!" are all part of the normal, good-humoured way in which SCS posters conduct their daily routine.

Watch out too for hazing, as some of the "old sweats" enjoy poking a little fun at newbies. Posts addressed to you personally should not be taken as actual threats, possibly involving your death.

For instance: "Why are you boring us, you wimp? F*ck off and lurk in Hell!" is an example of Regimental Sergeant Major Jon "Bluewhale" Croft's sense of fun.

RSM Croft, a scarred veteran of the Sawney Beane Terrorist wars, tends to scare newbies, but underneath he's really a vicious bastard (SCS slang for a pussycat) who loves to reduce newbies to hysterical tears.

RSM Croft has a great sense of fun and typifies Regimental playfulness. If you're a lady recruit, get him to show you the SCS Scottish Country Dance, "Strip the Widow".

Others you may bump into include Trooper "It's MINE!" MacRobert, who will train you in Dumpster Diving, a useful skill when you need to cover your posterior, so be sure to absorb everything you are taught.

If you step out of line, the Regimental Padre, Rev. Ian Morrison will be happy to point out the error of your ways and make gentle suggestions for correcting them.

Be aware too that a certain type of female can always be found around military bases.

As we don't want you to develop 'unsuitable friendships', watch out for: Fog Brat, Beth, Ann, Maggie, Linda, Lesley, Rusty, Sally, Marjana, Joanna, Anna, Elaine "Mountain Gal" and B.A. BALFOUR

After Group Navigation Instruction, you will be put through a series of tests to see whether your vocabulary reaches SCS standards.

This involves testing your knowledge of the commonest swear words in English and Gaelic; a "must" when dealing with other members of SCS.

If your Gaelic is not up to scratch, you will be taught by a civilian instuctor, Neacalban1, who has a degree in Celtic obscenities despite being a f*cking Yank (SCS slang for "The Cousins" - US Green Slime - Intelligence).

Later you will be given advanced training in dealing with enemy newsgroups.

Disinformation posting techniques are taught by Sergeant Moses "No Relation" Lambert with his controversial "Why REAL Scotsmen Wear Lacy Panties Under Their Kilts! " and "Sporrans - The Highland Handbag?"

Regimental history, always an important morale issue, is the province of Trooper "Chic" Mcgregor. His acclaimed "Tokharia - Scottish Homeland?" is a benchmark, having been posted over 1,000 times.

Finally, All-In combat is taught by Warrant Officer "Buffalo Bryn" Fraser who is famed for killing a water buffalo with his bare hands when trying to halt a stampede. Watch out for his chops! Ladies, don't let him pin you on the floor unless you're into - well, you'll find out!